Sexuality and Spirituality

Amy Kulesza DeBeck

The link between sexuality and spirituality is in how we honor and respect our whole selves and that of other people. To engage in any sexual behavior with another person means that consent must be given. Consent is really only full when the power between the parties is equal, so that neither is exploiting their position, or using the sex for power. When power is equal, and consent is gained through mutual respect, that sexual act has the capability of being very spiritual. As UU’s we honor the dignity and worth of every person, and this extends to our sexuality. We teach our children and ourselves that respect and dignity honor the full humanity of people—how could we expect any less than this behavior when talking about our human sexuality?

Every year in Fairfax County high school biology teachers learn how to teach Human Sexuality. This course is called Family Life Education, or FLE, for you acronym collectors. The county director of FLE invites an interfaith panel to share what their church teaches young people about sexuality. I have been privileged to participate on this interfaith panel a few times and hope to get my foot in the door here in Loudoun County, too. The purpose of the interfaith panel is to help the FLE teachers understand better what backgrounds some of their students might be bringing into the FLE classroom. Each year we gather to discuss for 10 minutes each what our church teaches its young people, mostly rising freshmen, about the following three topics: Homosexuality, Dating, and Birth Control. That first year when I showed up, I found I was seated between a Pentecostal Christian and a Catholic priest. We also had a Muslim Imam, a Hindu, and a Reform Rabbi. If only we had been in a lifeboat or walking into a bar, it would have been the greatest joke ever told. What actually happened to me that day, though, has really been an epiphany about strength within our faith that became amazingly clear that day. I truly believe and am ready to spread the word, that the biggest difference between us and most other faiths is actually not our theological standpoints, but how we approach and nurture human sexuality.

We do not accept the premise that it is God’s will, or Allah’s, or anyone else’s will, that the main purpose of humanity is to reproduce. This enables us to understand women as people and not only mothers and wives. This fundamental belief allows for a balance of power within our faith that opposes the patriarchy in other faiths. We affirm parenthood--we celebrate partnership--but they are not a prescribed order within our faith. We do not accept or promote the belief that marriage is the perfect state of being for adults or that marriage means one man and one woman. Because we believe in the worth and dignity of every person, and we believe that women are people, it is presumed that we women will decide how to live our lives—power between genders is equal. Like the bumper sticker reads, feminism is the radical notion that women are people. While this may seem absurdly obvious, in ancient biblical texts when they took census, it was only men who were counted, not women or children, and many faiths today are based quite literally on ancient texts. I know many smart, powerful women in other faiths, but I am in my church because I am a woman who demands to be treated as fully human, and equal to men. Men and women are damaged by patriarchy, and our faith sees this as a fundamental issue that we work to correct. We have a faith that touts feminism as its fundamental operating system, so we are already on a different page, more than just theologically, from our neighboring faiths.

Besides the basic difference of a feminist starting point, we also intertwine our spirituality with scientific proof when we look at the place of humans in the world. We have a place in the interdependent web, but it is not ours to rule. We humans, like any animal, are genetically inclined to survival, and yet humans have no inherent breeding control. We are at the top of the food chain and except for very committed vegans, we eat whomever else we want to eat. We breed out of control with few natural predators. We are causing the planet to groan in travail, and yet we keep breeding. Many people of faith believe that the natural, meaning God-planned, or nature-prescribed way of being, is to be in a committed relationship with another person for the sake of breeding.

On that day in FLE class, our Rabbi friend agreed with us that reform Judaism does condone same sex couples, but still stated that being in relationship is the natural state of being. Please hear me that I, too, believe that sexual relationships are often very spiritual, but in Unitarian Universalism, a person is still able to live to their full potential as a human even if they do not live in a committed or reproductive relationship. Mostly this meeting reinforced that, across the board, the orthodox, mainstream message is to find a mate, then be fruitful and multiply. When UUs think of the spirituality that is inherent in sexual acts, and there is definitely communion with the divine during sexual acts for many of us, the emphasis is on mutual respect and consent that is only possible when partners have equal power. Our sensual, sexual, spiritual glory is not a result of fulfilling God’s plan to be fruitful and multiply.

For some, sexuality means multiply, and multiply, and multiply some more. Many women are made to feel in their churches and by their clergy that they should be able to be perfect mothers and wives. I have often felt sick reading the newspaper in recent years, learning that some women in this country have killed their 4 or 5 children due to stress, unchecked mental illness, and postpartum depression. These women were told that they can handle having a child a year, while keeping house, and being a good wife. What we treat as mental health or illness is perceived as being with or without sin, and sometimes with tragic results. Their husbands are always shown on the news being surprised and forgiving, while their wife goes to prison. The nation feels sympathy for those men who have lost their family. I do, too, but it is a broken system—in our nation and in our churches-- that teaches women and men to live up to impossible standards of perfect mother and perfect provider.

I am a member of our faith because we don’t tell anyone to get married, we certainly don’t tell you who to love, we don’t tell anyone to multiply, and we believe in good mental health care more than forgiveness of sins. Mary Pipher said at the Ware lecture in Salt Lake City, and I’m paraphrasing, that UU church is where psychiatrists and patients go to meet. Sometimes we may be a little too heady and not touchy-feely enough in our churches, but it is because we believe in logic, education, and humanity over supernatural phenomenon. We would, and we have, reached out to people with depression, post-partum or otherwise, as needing help, not as a sin or flaw. Pregnancy, motherhood, and post partum depression are all by-products of sexuality, so when churches blame the victims of post-partum depression, it is an abuse of human sexuality and spirituality. Sexuality is part of being human, and the control of sexuality, particularly of women’s sexuality, is why other churches hold no appeal for me.

At the interfaith FLE session the questions were about dating, homosexuality, and birth control. It was while each of them was discussing dating that I had a moment that can only be described as an epiphany. Orthodox belief is as follows: Dating is not encouraged because it may lead to sinful or wrong behavior, this in turn could ruin the marriage prospect of the young man or young woman, and only in marriage, can we adults live as God intends for humans to live. This was the line I heard over and over. Orthodoxy of any faith agrees that sexuality is good, it is God-given, but states that sex is to be enjoyed only between a husband and wife. Therefore, birth control is typically not an issue, because sex only happens within marriage, and for the purpose of children. I found out that, depending on which faith, birth control is actually not taboo. In orthodox faiths where birth control between married couples is allowed, only condoms are permitted, where the man limits the procreation.

There it was—my epiphany. Unitarian Universalism does not espouse that the natural condition for adult humans is married with kids. We can put the biblical sex taboos into historical perspective, which can help us to understand--from an historical perspective--why something true back then is not still true. For instance, let’s look historically at the taboos of homosexuality and masturbation. 4,000 years ago in biblical times the people who lived in communities around the Hebrews or Yahweh-ists posed the constant threat of war. It was important to build up your army by having many, many children--homosexuality and masturbation would lessen the chances of procreation. Having sex with the same gender or oneself does not help in birthing soldiers. This need to create rebel forces is not the same today as 4,000 years ago—why are the rules? We teach our youth that masturbation is normative, not sinful. As an association we recognize homosexuality as normative. We liberal Unitarian Universalists assume that everyone is sexual, but we do not assume that our goal as humans is to procreate. Sexuality in and of itself is good. This makes us different in our sexuality and in our spirituality.

It leaves the door wide open to welcome the homosexual, the confirmed singles, divorced people, the heterosexual married couples who have chosen to not have children, and we welcome children who have been adopted, fostered, or raised by grandparents. Because we do not see the ultimate human goal to procreate, women are seen as more than mothers, and men as more than providers for children and women. We believe that the goal of humanity is to be part of the interdependent web of life, of all existence. We typically do not practice overpopulation. In sociology of religion, where they like to do comparative graphs between faith groups, it is stated that we barely even replace ourselves—2 adults having two children, so our birth rates are among the lowest in this country. Far right wing conservatives of any faith know that the way to grow is to bear more children in the faith as well as to convert adults.

As your minister I don’t feel comfortable demanding a higher birth rate, so I suggest converting adults by telling them that our sexuality, our informed, consensual sexuality, is the best. We honor the dignity and worth of every person, extending to seeking consent for sexual behaviors, and that is very sexy! THAT should bring in lots of new folks! Unitarian Universalism—the best sex ever!

As a faith, our birth numbers are very low, for many reasons such as our practice of birth control. Men and women can decide how many, if any, offspring to have, and still honor their full humanity. We also have a low birth rate because so many UUs believe in global warming, believe it is caused in large part by overpopulation, and do not believe that some day Jesus will come again and take up the believers in the twinkling of an eye. For believers of The Rapture, that glorious moment when believers get taken up to heaven while sinners get “Left Behind” it is not important to care for the earth because it will be redeemed, or saved along with the faithful. UUs typically don’t believe in the Rapture, so we tend to recycle, drive hybrids, and use birth control.

That day, as I was having my epiphany about dating—how they are teaching their kids to stay in groups, not couple off, and not to think wrong thoughts—I felt downright joyful that we are teaching our kids comprehensive sexuality. Our Whole Lives believes and teaches that a young person should know the dangers, joys, mechanics, and types of sexual behaviors between humans, and that these acts should always be consensual. In teaching respect rather than fear we encourage youth to postpone having sex until full respect and consent are possible. The abstinence programs offered have not reduced the numbers of Sexually Transmitted Infections among teens, nor of teenage pregnancies.

We teach consent and respect over fear. Teens who have been taught abstinence who do engage in sexual behaviors, often contract STI’s or get pregnant because they are not informed about safer sex methods. We equip our youth with knowledge, respect, pressure to always seek consent, and with condoms. Abstinence programs do not work in reducing STI’s or pregnancies. The numbers for these issues can be substantiated by polls and studies among middle school, high school, and college youth.

Numbers that can not be substantiated include how many young men each year get accused of rape because their consensual partner felt guilty and remorseful after the fact, or the numbers of rape victims who think they are not victims, but sinners, or how many young people are engaging in highly risky sexual behaviors because they believe that as long as they are not having intercourse they are not having sex. Thank you, President Clinton.

The longer I sat there listening to where each of my fellow clergy stood on these topics, the epiphany grew. I started to see everything traced back to sexuality, and that our UU stance on sexuality is radically different from theirs. We understand sexuality as a good thing, not something that needs to be controlled, squelched, and regulated by ancient scripture and patriarchal rules that confine men and women. Perhaps a hundred years ago the reason we parted ways with Trinitarians was over Jesus’ identity, but I believe today that our differences are based on our understanding of human sexuality, even if it has never been stated.

No religion is without its clergy scandals, ours included. We have had instances where clergy has abused their power to have affairs with adults in their congregations. What happened in the Roman Catholic Church, with decades of pedophilia and gross clergy misconduct being perpetrated, would not happen in our church for many reasons. First, we do not require somebody to suppress their inherent sexuality in order to be a church leader. Second, we do not confuse pedophilia with homosexuality. Grown male priests who prey on little boys are not gay priests, but pedophiles. So are the priests who prey on little girls. When the Boston diocese started to unravel with allegations in the new millennium, opening the door for victims to come forward around the country, the subject of clergy sexual abuse was tied to whether priests should be allowed to marry, or whether gay priests should be allowed to take vows of celibacy, when the issues should have focused on pedophilia and abuse of power. UUs would not confuse pedophilia with homosexuality, and the equal power between adults is always taken into account when we talk about spiritually fulfilling sexuality.

Sexuality and spirituality are interwoven, as it should be. We are, each of us, a powerful being with love and compassion to share with the world. As we explore our mature adult sexuality and its ties to our inherent spirituality, both linked to our world view, both making up our sense of self, rejoice in your sexuality. Whether you believe you are a sexual being because you are so endowed by your Creator, or by biology, or a little of both, rejoice! Our whole lives long, from the cradle to the grave we will incorporate our very personal sexuality and spirituality with the lessons taught in our culture. May it be that our consensual, welcoming, aspects of both sexuality and spirituality permeate and change culture--more than the damage of oppressive sexual controls limits us. Think about what your faith means to you, and to your understanding of sexuality. May we revel in how our innate sexuality strengthens our faith, expanding human love rather than limiting it. Blessed be and amen.